My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
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Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
buys donuts instead
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.