beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
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Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
My life in a nutshell
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.