Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
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A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??