My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
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*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations