I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
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*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
mom gave me mine for free
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”