[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
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[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Meanwhile in Canada…
There is no “ea” in Tim.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
screw you
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
me: my friends:
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”