My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
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Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Meeeee too!
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.