BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
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Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Morning.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.