We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
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DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio