Tough love is true love
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I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Spa day..😅
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.