My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
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An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
*jingles half the way*
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob