I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
You Might Also Like
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
“A little help here, Danny?”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English