me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
You Might Also Like
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
not to brag, but mine was free
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.