coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
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When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.