Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
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I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
the #horror is real!
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
A short story about romance.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”