me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
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Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Hey! This isn’t my car!
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.