when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
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I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.