Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
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Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies