We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
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I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”