Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
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My apathy is at an all time whatever.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
A leaf blower, but for people.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount