kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
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My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.