MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
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WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
A short story about romance.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later