The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
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ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I