In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Cndnsd Mlk
mentally somewhere in italy
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage