I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
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You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.