“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
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I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.