A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
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I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.