My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words