No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
You Might Also Like
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar