I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
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By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
No, he would not have.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.