Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
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Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.