Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
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Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Not all heroes wear capes….