I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
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Always a metermaid never a meter
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Rt to bother an English speaker
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.