“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
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Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.