*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
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That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Introverted vegans go meetless
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes