My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
You Might Also Like
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Your secret is safeish with me
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Always a housemaid, never a house.
He’s cranky this morning
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.