Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
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Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft