I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
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Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Not today
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Me if I was a dog
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou