Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
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I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
What personal space?
My dog
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy