When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
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Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Mornin
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
the three genders