Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
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my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I never answer my door because it鈥檚 always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I鈥檓 not interested in either of those services
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad馃槳
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where鈥檚 she鈥檚 from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I鈥檒l just be outside waiting for cps.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.