officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
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People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.