When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
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Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!