[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
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Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.