[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
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Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Me too door. Me too.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE