My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
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Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
What if all the cashiers are married?
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”