I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
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i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.