If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
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You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Breaking news:
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.