[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
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My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
some Old Testament wisdom
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.