How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
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“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?